i was born a porn star she said
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
