I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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