How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
