Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
