hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
