There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
