You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We need to rekindle our bromance
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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