You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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