I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
