No stitches, just platelets and will power
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just invented taco cereal.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
