I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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