I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
