Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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