shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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