Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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