I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
