no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
