My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
cat food counts as protein by the way
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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