my phone needs a breathalizer
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
