i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
