Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
