I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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