the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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