You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
