Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
