it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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