Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We need to rekindle our bromance
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
