Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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