I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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