I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Operation Purity has been aborted
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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