The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Randomize
