new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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