so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
