Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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