I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
