he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
