ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
