We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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