So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
