DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
