I think im going to throw up on grandma
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
