she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
