Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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