In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
