I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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