Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
