who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
