Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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