The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
