Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
