Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
