last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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