census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
