Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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