I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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