So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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